What Happens in Sessions Stays in Sessions

Panicking over the thought of ALA Annual being a week away and the only thing you’ve decided are the shoes that won’t melt in the 100º+ Vegas heat?  Interested in more than the vendor-party cheese cubes you will be shoving into your complimentary tote bags? You may be just the kind of librarian these programs are looking for:

“Red Yarn Wedding”: Programming for the Disturbingly-Obsessed Fantasy Reader
Looking for programming for that patron who stares at you with pleading eyes during the library closing announcement? Make their day by reenacting “Game of Throne” spoiler scenes with sock puppets! Program includes tips on teeny sword fashioning from coffee-stirrers and button-eye selection rubrics. Ambulances and hazmat suits will be available.

When 127-Slide Powerpoints Aren’t Enough
Panel discussion about the unfairness of public speaking, because the whole point of going to library school was landing a career that avoided the whole horror in the first place. Panelists will attempt to make eye-contact while mumbling insights.

Critical Qs When You’re Not Interested in the As”
Learn how to craft 15-minute speeches on the fly while waiting in line for the mic during the Q&A portion of a presentation. Effective microphone feedback techniques and irrelevant backstory development tips included.

Effective Snack Wrangling for Staff Motivation
Discovering your techs won’t lift a book until you provide highly-refined carbs? Librarians not attending collection development meetings unless you specify the cocao content of the chocolate supplied? Discussions on the inevitability of weight gain among unclassified staff and the efficacy of the Weight Watchers points system during the holidays. Demonstration of strategic doughnut placement on shelves during inventory included.

Totes Adorbs Teens!
Tips on language, dress and crafts that will tear teens away from their iPhones and look at you for a millisecond. Learn how to maintain the last shred of your dignity when coaxing middle-schoolers to try your latest batch of Butterbeer. Review of primary hair color choices and faux-pirate ensembles that do not provoke uncomfortable laughter from parents and administration.

“Let Me Get Back to You”: Passive-Aggressiveness as a Management Tool
Never dreamed you’d wind up in management, much less oversee 15 staffers, half of whom want to take vacation on the same week? Learn how to side-step decision-making via judicious coffee-break scheduling and ambiguous post-it notes. Speakers will discuss leveraging emoticons in performance reviews and staff cookie purchases for that low-hanging-fruit credibility (see “Effective Snack Wrangling”).

To be continued….

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