The Sound That Dares Not Speak Its Name

My Dear, Dear Friends,

After several minutes of contemplation, I have decided to come out of the closet and confess to something so horrific, so deeply humiliating, something no woman (to my knowledge) has confessed to in public:

I snore.

It’s not one of those exhausted-little-boy-after-a-day-at-Disneyland snores, the one that makes parents go “awww” as they shut the door to his room. It’s not even one of those I’m-stupid-but-cute Jessica Simpson-type lowing. I have the Snore of the Damned. A fish-wife‘s snore (are there still such things as fish-wives?). A snore that makes dogs wail and men weep (okay; just my husband, but he’s pretty darned annoyed).

Why is it so humiliating, especially in these days of Oprah and Dr. Phil? After all, in this stage of our civilization, many a girl will happily confess to swinging from mirrored disco balls covered in nothing but low-fat Cool-Whip (she may be slutty, but she’s not stupid). Others will readily (sometimes too readily) describe their phobias and addictions to the extent that they’re now attending a twelve-step group for their twelve-step addiction. But no woman wants to be thought of with her head slung back, her mouth open wide enough for the Chunnel train to drive through, processing enough air through her lungs that she’s decompressing the atmosphere of her bedroom every five seconds. Add the visual cherry-topper of dried saliva in the corners of the mouth and women who gleefully flaunt wearing fake nipples run screaming back into the snoring closet.

So why come out now? Because I believe in breaking the last taboo of femininity. I believe women should be honest in all aspects of the existence, even if it isn’t pretty. I also believe in pre-emptive strikes: if you wind up rooming with me during a library conference, you can’t say you weren’t warned.

What I’m Reading: A Confederacy of Dunces for the umpteenth time, but I never get enough of Ignatius J. Reilly’s worldview.

9 Responses

  1. Terrified Colleague
    Terrified Colleague November 21, 2003 at 12:44 pm | | Reply

    Too….much….information…..

  2. gl.
    gl. November 21, 2003 at 9:02 pm | | Reply

    i was hoping for a little ray of hope here: not only about how you snored, but how you courageously overcame said affliction, which causes your partner to suffer through wearing earplugs every night. oh, wait, i think that’s me. i knew you & michael had -something- in common! 🙂

  3. stonering
    stonering November 23, 2003 at 5:37 pm | | Reply

    Just wandering by following a link from a knit blog. If you haven’t checked it out yet, you might explore the possibility of sleep apnea. Evidently it is often connected to the obnoxious partner waking snore. That was how mine was diagnosed. 🙂

  4. Sulkbrarian
    Sulkbrarian November 23, 2003 at 11:31 pm | | Reply

    i will not pretend to know the depth and breadth of this, your snore. but i will put you up against my mom anyday. 😀

    i snore too. so i can say this. 😉

  5. max
    max November 24, 2003 at 7:21 am | | Reply

    I was just thinking about this novel last night.
    I have tried to read it several times to no avail. Should I give it one more chance? Methinks this book is kind of like Woody Allen, you either love it or you do not.

  6. Brian
    Brian November 24, 2003 at 7:59 am | | Reply

    A friend of mine took care of his sleep apnea/snoring by having his uvula surgically removed. Ooooh, I need a sorbet just thinking about that.

  7. Sulkbrarian
    Sulkbrarian November 25, 2003 at 2:11 pm | | Reply

    break out the grape-flavored popsicles…:O

  8. Tim
    Tim November 26, 2003 at 11:26 am | | Reply

    my spouse has sleep apnea and did not have to have surgery. She has a machine, called a C-Pap machine (might be C-PAP but I don’t know what the acronym would stand for) which is basicaly an air pump and a mask she wears to bed. The increased oxygen levels not only help with the snoring, but also reduce the tiredness she had every day, reduced some heretofore undiagnosed swelling, and also took care of some muscle aches.. consult your physician about it, of course.

  9. Sulkbrarian
    Sulkbrarian December 8, 2003 at 1:57 am | | Reply

    I arranged an adult program at my old library for a guy who swore by the C-PAP machine. Apparently, we have a lot of snorers in my town, as the program was fairly well-attended. But I digress. Tim is right–this thing is really supposed to work! 🙂

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