It’s Getting Hot in Herre!

I’m at that age when a woman’s fancy turns to thoughts of hormone replacement therapy. Particularly when she’s experiencing hot flashes rivaling heat from the ninth circle of hell, or at least the middle rack of a Quizno’s toaster oven. That, the migraines, and the discomfort have all taught me one blinding truth: there ain’t no way a real man could ever deal with this crap.

The part I wasn’t expecting?


The reverse-adolescence symptoms, most notably the acne and the mood swings. But there’s one phenomenon that’s been the most disturbing: I’m turning girly.

Scary girly. Bonnie-Bell Lip Smacker girly. For the past three months I’ve been doing stuff I haven’t done since the Ford Administration: trolling drugstore make-up aisles (no Dr. Scholl’s sandals to be found there these days, alas) and stuffing my face with McDonald’s Fish Fillet sandwiches and Paydays, not to mention the fact I find myself inexplicably drawn to clothes with….ruffles…*shudder*…. But the worst part? The bizarre crushes I seem to form every time I flip on some sort of media. Right now the front runners are Martin Fry (I’m still not over that Bands Reunited episode) and James Spader (especially his Pretty In Pink days). I’m big on blonde and haughty–in other words, I’m wallowing in my own little version of jungle fever.

My husband has been very understanding through all of this, though past crushes on long-dead actors such as Joseph Cotten and Tom Drake creeps him out a teeny bit. He has, however, lovingly assured me that he would shoot me if I develop longings for Billy Bob Thornton.

Now how can you not love a guy like that?

A Grave Trifecta: Peace out to Janet Leigh, Russ Meyer and Rodney Dangerfield. The world is a sadder place now that one of the great minds behind Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is gone. As for Dangerfield: my oddest concert experience was a double bill featuring Rodney and Tony Clifton (aka “Andy Kaufman“) in San Francisco: this was the first (and last) venue where a metal link fence was lowered in front of the stage before the show started. I had no idea why until Tony/Andy walked onstage. To this day, I’m mystified how sooo many people managed to smuggle in sooo many champagne bottles….

12 Responses

  1. Rachel
    Rachel October 6, 2004 at 12:53 am | | Reply

    Yowser! Thank goodness you work in a temperature-controlled environment, then?

    Best of luck!

  2. Rachel
    Rachel October 6, 2004 at 12:56 am | | Reply

    Oh, re: Dr. Scholls, I live in the UK and Dr. Scholls is currently selling an entire range of shoes, sandals, and boots, attempting to bridge that annoying gap that so often exists between fashion and comfort. Try: http://www.drscholls.com/ and http://www.shoes.com/shop.asp?shopID=drsch to see if anything catches your eye!

  3. The Cataloger
    The Cataloger October 6, 2004 at 6:26 am | | Reply

    Hey, I hear ya. I just keep buying more (cotton) T-shirts and checking my work wardrobe for anything with synthetic content–back o’ the closet for them. Then I pile on the layers: decent camisole, T-shirt, button down shirt/sweater…and spend the day doing the “on again-off again” clothing dance. Good thing I work in The Back and don’t have to worry about patrons seeing me shlub around!

    Haven’t bought any ruffles yet (tg!) but can empathize with the crushes and the Paydays. ­čśë

    How long is this going to last anyway??

  4. Original Cyn
    Original Cyn October 6, 2004 at 12:18 pm | | Reply

    I feel for you! I had a hysterectomy at 29, so got to go through it all at once. And believe me, lip gloss is the least of it! Have you had any stuffed animal cravings yet? You will…

    And yeah, times have changed for Dr. Scholl’s. They’re close to $40 now, and sold in department stores. I still wear the pair of blue ones I got in the Rexall drugstore in 1972. Viva Scholl!

  5. GiantFightingBot
    GiantFightingBot October 6, 2004 at 10:05 pm | | Reply

    Calling our workplace “climate controlled” is being generous.

    It’s more like the old McDLT container. The hot side is hot, the cold side is cold, and it smells a little weird. ­čÖé

  6. sandra
    sandra October 7, 2004 at 6:04 am | | Reply

    so that’s why I’ve been eating happy meals and buying “Hello Kitty” junk. hmmmmm

  7. amriana
    amriana October 7, 2004 at 6:38 pm | | Reply

    salam kenal

  8. Becky
    Becky October 11, 2004 at 6:11 am | | Reply

    ERT? No way. Estrovan taken twice a day works wonders with eliminated or diminishing the symptoms of menopause. Am enjoying exploring your pages.

  9. Mary Kay
    Mary Kay October 11, 2004 at 5:42 pm | | Reply

    Gah. It’s got me craving sweets which I have never done in my entire life. I currently have 3 different kinds of ice cream in my freezer — I never even liked ice cream before. To top it off not only am I having hot flashes and cravings, I’m still having periods. Not fair not fair not fair.

    MKK

  10. Amy
    Amy October 12, 2004 at 6:21 am | | Reply

    There should be a law against being on estrogen replacement therapy AND Retin-A concurrently…..hot flashes AND acne…it’s the worst of adolescence AND middle age at the same time!!!!

  11. ladyblog
    ladyblog October 16, 2004 at 12:06 am | | Reply

    OMG James Spader!

    TTFN

  12. ellen
    ellen October 28, 2004 at 5:53 pm | | Reply

    I saw James Spader eating a sandwich not too long ago.
    I did one of the Looney Tunes double-takes without the sound effects.
    I did HRT and weaned off ’cause I was afraid to keep taking ’em.
    Doing the natural route and it seems to be working.
    I started craving chocolate and never cared one way or another about it ever. What fun!

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