Looks like I’m another statistic for Oregon DHS: I have the flu. Oh, and what a flu it is: this is the first night I don’t have a fever over 100° in three days. I also don’t the the tremendous achiness like some sort of….achy thing. But like so many wacky mishaps I’ve outlined in the past, my pain is your entertainment. For the past three days, I have learned so many things, things such as
- As of 4:00 today, I have watched every Law & Order episode at least twice. Not only that, I think I’m developing an unsettling fondness to Sam Waterston.
- A sure-fire way of killing any desire for watching a movie? Make sure you buy it. Thirty movies (not to mention the three I’ve rented) and none of them even remotely appealing.
- Chunky soups? After three days, they all taste the same. Doesn’t matter if it’s beef, chicken, freakin’ corn chowder–how they make the taste alike, I have no clue.
- I have mastered the technique of sucking on a cough drop in the middle of a coughing fit.
- That slight blush of embarrassment when I plunk down a copies of those cheapie gossip and women’s magazines in front of a cashier? It magically disappears when I have a fever over 101°.
- As of 6:00 today, I have watched every American Justice ever produced. However I am reassured by the fact that I will never develop a fondness for Bill Kurtis.
- If someone were to judge our collective society strictly by television commercials, they would be disturbed by our obsession with drugs, trucks and overly-buffed fifty-year old grandmothers.
- Ever notice the guy in the Enzyte ads looks an awful lot like Lenny from The Simpsons?
- To my husband’s dismay, one can never get enough of Law & Order
- Finally: even I can get sick of television–I discovered this when I actually watched four hours of the all-Hitler network programming.
I did screw up the stamina to watch the E! True Hollywood Story on Arnold and Maria: I am especially pleased with the movement to change the constitution so’s Arnold can be president. This plays into my plans of world domination: once that pesky requirement is removed, there’s no stopping me. Of course, the worst my world domination would be is that everyone would be required to read at least one Barbara Pym novel a year. That and Tori Amos listening would be restricted to only fifteen minutes a day. Five if you’re a moody-yet-bright teenager. A fortysomething male librarian? Strictly Neil Diamond on your iTunes from now on, dude…..