The Days & Nights of the Lipstick Librarian!

Salary Commensurate with Mind-Reading Abilities

Because of my pesky need to eat in 2004, I've been searching for librarian jobs off and on the last few months. Since my last position was as a corporate librarian, I forgot what's involved when applying for academic or public librarian positions, namely answering those dreaded supplemental questions. Like death, taxes, and the latest on Bennifer, it's impossible to apply for any sort of professional (and even semi-professional) librarian jobs without baring your soul on scintillating topics such as

• patrons staring at porn


• your vision of library service


• patrons wanting to make bombs


• the future of librarianship


• working with diverse populations


• patrons wanting to stare at pictures of naked librarians making bombs, etc., etc.

No one at library school told me that applying for jobs meant writing an endless series of mini-grad school applications. What's worse is the fact that the questions seem to be the same no matter what position you're applying for, though it does make it easy for the applicant who's smart enough to keep copies of her/his answers (you are keeping copies, aren't you?). If libraries are looking for answers that will give applicants the opportunity to crawl to the top of the heap, why not be creative? Something like:

• You are the royal librarian for King Amenhotep III of Egypt. The king has sent his high priest to collect plans outlining the building of a pyramid that will celebrate his reign after he's moved on to the afterlife. Unfortunately the library has an in-house use only policy due to previous damage caused by a distracted slave dropping them into the Nile. Please write an in-library use policy that will prevent you from being summarily executed. Must be written on papyri and Middle Egyptian hieroglyphics--policies written in Late Egyptian hieroglyphics will NOT be considered.
• Christina Aguilera wants to find a new thong that will attract the attention of America's It-Boy of the Moment, Ashton Kutcher. What databases would you recommend to Christina? And what story puppets would you select to entertain her bodyguards?
• Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Describe in at least 500 words, you bitch!
• Barbara Walters has asked a fellow reference librarian at the desk that if she were a tree, what kind of tree would she be; the librarian replies that she saw herself as an oak. You know that she's definitely a sickly poplar, if anything. How do you approach Barbara and correct the error without smashing the other librarian's ego to bits? Provide examples using previous experiences with celebrity interviewers.
• In the Year 2525, will the profession be alive? Will the reference interview still survive? What will we find?
• Describe techniques you would use to prevent a snarky librarian coming up with stupid supplemental questions for her own entertainment.

Remember: answers must be received by the end of this week; postmarks will not be accepted.

Faking It

Are you a teensy-bit interested in trying another career for a month? TLC's Faking It is looking for adventuresome librarians to try another career for one month. Interested? E-mail me!

John Belushi, What Hath You Wrought? Dept: This weekend I managed to watch Animal House: Double Secret Probation Edition and School of Rock. I'm struck by the enourmous impact John Belushi has had on comedy. Though Jack Black is truly an original comic actor, much of his acting style is based on the path Belushi paved, particularly the given ample screen time given to Black's eyebrows. Want a short sampling of JB's talents? Rent season 2 of the Mr. Show on DVD and watch the sketch "Jeepers Creepers", a spoof of Jesus Christ Superstar with Jack Black as the Jesus figure

Quentin Tarantino, What Hath You Wrought? Dept: I also managed to see Kill Bill last week; it was pretty much gory eye candy, but what I loved was the soundtrack--who else would think of using the theme from Ironside as a sting? (Note: you have to be over 35 to relate.) I also loved the film opening with "Bang Bang" by Nancy Sinatra. The biggest thrill I got out of the entire movie was that it made me homesick for Japan. Oh, to see hordes of mod Yakuza trying to off one willowy tall blonde wielding a samurai sword just one more time before I die....

Blog Day Afternoon

Yeah--I know I haven't been posting much lately, but it's kinda hard when I'm going to bed at 9:00pm every night. That and the fact that I'm making the endless rounds of doctor, physical therapist and chiropractic appointments, it doesn't leave me much time other than collapsing when I get home. I promise to make amends this weekend; in the meantime, please entertain yourselves by choosing one of the following and writing a response of no less than 500 words:

Tori Amos' new album is entitled Tales of a Librarian. Tori says it's because she's telling stories; I say it's because she wears the designer equivalent of librarian clothes. Who's right and who cares?

Michael Gorman is currently one of the candidates for ALA presidency; what are the implications of electing someone who is as enamoured of Hugo Boss as he is with AACR2Rev? And will all ALA members get a 10% discount at Prada if he's elected? Entries that explain to me why he's still living in Fresno get a personalized e-greeting from me.

Remember: entries must be received by the end of this week; postmarks do not count. Entries will be judged soley on their incredulity.

Librarian Contest of the Week: ALA is looking for a few brave souls to enter their photo search contest. Remember: no cardigans!

Guilty Pleasures of the Schadenfreude Kind (Librarian Edition)

Admit it: not all of us went into librarianship for solely altruistic reasons. While most of us have to fight the urge to pin a patron between a reference terminal and a chair to make sure you find that answer before they escape, a few of us do experience an ever-so-teensy pang of pleasure when something happens that proves that you are once again what we call in the business a smarty-pants:

• The bizarro stories on American Libraries Online such as the the director of the friends of the library group getting busted for stealing art from his library. Ditto for the print version.
• Avoiding yet again having to take notes for the weekly public services meeting.
• Being proved right in a reference encounter after the patron insists for ten minutes that the tactic you're taken is wrong. Even better if you manage to pull up the answer on the web right in front of them after they say they've already checked the internet.
• Reading job postings for your library and taking comfort in the fact that when you started you managed to wrangle an extra $100 for travel than those poor schmucks right out of library school.
• Reading reply postings on electronic lists that were clearly not intended for group consumption. ("Do you believe Marguerite tried to do the Cabbage Patch while drunk at the Ameritech reception??")
• Reading the sheepish apology from the person who posted the inappropriate reply. ("Uh--I was a little fast on the reply button....")
• Realizing that you've not only picked a much better hotel than your co-workers did for ALA, you're also not paying for one extra day because of that extra $100 (see above).
• Being able to come up with the correct MARC field number for varying form of title before anyone else.
• Thanking god you're not geeky enough to know MARC codes are off the top of your head like that person sitting next to you....

Favorite New Yorker Cartoon du Jour: The October 6, 2003 edition, page 58.