The Days & Nights of the Lipstick Librarian!

When Vendor Tote Bags Collide....

Observations of ALA 2010 or what I now like to call Death March with ProQuest Popsicles. Sadly I don't have much to say other than the fact most of my time was sucked up by committee work and my struggles to locate Filene's despite Yelp's insistence it's sitting in the middle of the National Mall reflecting pool.

Washington DC Itself:

• There must be some ordinance mandating a minimum number of women carrying yoga mats per block. Sucking on a non-fat yogurt smoothie on the way to the closest yoga studio within a 20-foot radius? Completely optional.
• Stocking Q-Tips in a drug store is an outlandish idea, at least according to CVS employees at two different stores.
• Apparently the conference weather gods do not like expensive European cars parked in the middle of DuPont Circle.
• DC is a city of lanyards, ironic since ALA did not distribute them to attendees this year.
• The best portrait in the National Portrait Gallery? One that did not feature a dead white man.
• I am amazed at the ability of DC women to ride the subway wearing office attire (complete with pearls) and not break a sweat, even when juggling a yoga mat.

• Shocked by how many younger people are entering the profession. Librarianship seems to no longer be a second profession, though as someone whose most challenging pre-librarian job was squirting butterfat on Ann Rice's popcorn, I suspect a lot of us who've been working for a while never really had an initial profession in the first place.
• Code phrase of the conference: "Spectrum Scholar".
• My fascination with Elsevier vendors remains unabated. They're the Vladimir Putins of the library resource world: weirdly urbane and coolly assured, they're more than ready to crack walnuts with their glutes to demonstrate their superior electronic licensing technology.
• Sadly I was not accosted by the Emery-Pratt robot. I was however unnerved by the stampede of librarians jostling each other for free books after the exhibit opening. If biological viability is determined by the number of romance novels one is able to grab after out-vendor-bag-butting your competitors, I am so dead.
• In person, Jim Breuer looks just as stoned as he and everyone else says. Roy Blount, Jr. however, does not.
• Stephen Abram: doesn't that man ever sweat? Saw him in full-suited regalia heading towards a conference hotel in the midday heat. Must be taking tips from the DC women, though no yoga mat was to been seen on his personage.
• Best example of the marriage between books and nail art? Displayed ten minutes into Shannon Zachary's presentation on the Google scanning project and the future of print collections.
• My inability from a distance to distinguish between Walt Crawford and Marshall Breeding may have the unintended consequence of convincing M. Breeding that I'm stalking him at vendor receptions. For that I apologize and promise to wear my glasses instead of contacts at all future receptions. BTW--Walt has a new book out: But They Still Blog. If you're interested in library blogging past, present and future, you need to buy it. I do have a title suggestion for his next book: When the Legends Blog. But only if I'm the first chapter.

Death March With Trade Paperbacks*

On the eve of ALA in DC, Mme.Karen Schneider and Stephen "Always on the Lookout" Abram have posted their survival guides on getting through the upcoming gauntlet. As veterans of ALAs past, both of them have pretty much cover the bases.

But not all.

So without delay (or clue), here are my humble submissions as to What Not To Do at ALA10:

• Cramming the vendor business card fishbowls with actual goldfish makes it difficult for them to find you after you've won the iPad drawing.
• Layering clothing with sweaters and jackets is an excellent idea. Layering with blankets stolen from your hotel roommate's bed? Not so excellent.
• While making a necklace of origami cranes from conference evaluation forms is impressive, it's also distracting. Particularly if you're snatching forms from other attendees during the session Q & A.
• Spelling out your name in rhinestones on a platinum mouth grill is not an acceptable substitute for a name badge
• Resist the urge to stage hand sanitizer fights in the exhibit area targeting PLA members. They work with children, hence their take-no-prisoners aim when it comes to bacteria.
• Using those teeny spiral hoses for watering plants to squirt water into your mouth between sessions may bring about undue attention.
• Making advance appointments with vendors to discuss approval plans is being smart. Making advance appointments so you'll have a captive audience for the world premiere of your performance art involving sock puppets and tea bag wrappers gleaned from an Ebsco breakfast is just being crazy.
• Thinking of flash mobbing an executive session with a Lady Gaga medley? Remember: conference ribbons make excellent pasties.
• Staring at your iPhone while attending a unit open house makes you rude. Staring at a brick during an open house makes you a cataloger.
• And finally:leaving a tip for hotel housekeeping makes for a welcoming environment for the next library conference. Leaving a tip consisting of a coffee coaster lovingly crocheted with dental floss and twigs means no chocolates on the pillow for future ALA attendees....

Have fun everyone--

* With a tip of the glasses to Tim Goodman and The Bastard Machine.

Spamming the New Year

• As a public service to my fans (all three of you) for the new year, I decided to toss out some handy tips by which you may chose to employ at your own risk. Don't say I didn't warn you.

• Being the cinematic equivalent of a hot librarian is something to be cherished. At least as much as free Wi-Fi.

• But if you're the kind of hot librarian who has developed and distributed PowerPoint files concerning your hot-librarianness, your coworkers probably review this article after they've hit the delete button on your e-mails.

• Or maybe those coworkers tell you that you look like Denise Richards in glasses. Maybe that's not such a compliment.

• Christmas bills staring you in the face? Try developing a signature scent for the hipster market.

• Need an action-packed comic about early spring mulching? Talk to this librarian.

Finally: Take a cue from Gwendolyn Taylor-Davis, 2002 New York Times Librarian of the Year, who loves kickin' it old skool:

The Truth About Sex and Librarians

Everyone wants to have sex with a librarian.

Or it seems like everyone wants to flirt, date, sleep with, or just plain hit on librarians, even other librarians, apparently. Why the sudden interest in our profession as a potential booty call farm team? Maybe it's due to the fact that in the past few years, the stereotype has evolved an interesting wrinkle: the winsome lass with the ironically prim fashion sense and a brain--though truth be told, those hankering for this professional equivalent of a rainbow unicorn view the latter requirement as merely sprinkles on top of the hook-up cupcake.

But like your first kiss or a close inspection of a post-millennial cast member of a vampire movie series, the fantasy may be waaay better than the reality. For those unfamiliar with the possibly deflating reality, I present as a public service, the truth about dating librarians:

Fantasy #1: (500) Days of Delusion

Walking to the circulation desk, you spot a Zoe Deschanel lookalike with elbows propped against the counter, her Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker glossed lips framed by slim fingers as she reads Silas Marner before you. Your sudden presence startles her, causing her agate-blue irises to widen with surprise. She smiles knowingly into your eyes when she spots a copy of the latest Chuck Palahnuik novel tucked under your exquisitely tatted arm. Your mouth drops as she springs to attention, shyly pulling an adorable yellow cardigan with hand-crocheted rosettes across her chest and asks if you need help. In your hormonal confusion, you vaguely wonder at the fact that of all the people staffing the desk, she's the only one allowed to park her bike (girl's model with a wicker basket and felted handlebar steamers) right behind her. You manage to corral the words careening across your brain like psychotic ping-pong balls into a coherent sentence, one asking her to join you to a Spike Jonze video retrospective at the fixie-bike/punk knitting collective across the street. She blushes at your audaciousness then agrees, grabbing her bike and pushing it past book shelves and out the door, leaving staff and patrons with overdue notices wondering just what the heck is going on.

The Reality

After waiting 30 minutes in line because a patron up front demanded staffers wrap each book she checked out in Safeway grocery bags and wouldn't give up until the supervisor intervened, you reach the circulation desk. You lock eyes with a forty-something woman wearing a "I'm Bringing Reading Back!" t-shirt and earrings that look suspiciously like fish skeletons. As you hand over a stack of Terry Pratchett books, she holds a trade paperback up to her nose. "Wow," she murmurs, "these don't smell like cigarettes!" She stares at you quizzically, as if you were a sentient poodle, one that may have companionship potential or at least the ability to pay attention though a dinner at Olive Garden.

You are smitten. You stammer as she frantically waves the barcode scanner over the back of each book. Blushing, you reach for the stack and accidentally brush her hand, one chafed from years of wiping down story time playsets in the children's room. "Coffee?" Your mind reels with visions of the two of you indulging in intense discussions about the authenticity of Renaissance faires while sipping modestly-priced coffee drinks.

"WHAT??" Your one true love screams as she's moved on to waiving the scanner over a pile of Goosebumps books shoved in front of her by the annoyed woman standing next to you, the one staring daggers at the back of your uncombed head. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE BEEPING." You are startled since, quite frankly, the beeping from the scanner isn't all that loud. Her co-workers? They barely notice since she's been talking that way for years....

Next Time: Dating Male Librarians, or: "Are you going to finish that?"

Hawaii State Public Library Needs Your Aloha

The Hawaii State Public Library System is facing a tough situation: with the latest operating budget voted down, the System is now attempting to meet a budget reduction of 20% ($3.58 million according to HSPLS; $6 million according to the Honolulu Advertiser. To meet the new restrictions, HSPLS has frozen over 70 vacant positions and contemplating furlough days. To meet the challenge, HSPLS and the Friends of the Library of Hawaii have launched campaigns to meet the monetary challenge: "Keep Your Library Open!' and "Keep the Doors Open!". Both campaigns are looking for tax-deductible donations, with the Friends of the Library asking for as little as $3 from Hawaiian state residents, though I'm sure they wouldn't turn away outside contributions.

Why am I putting the word out when so many public libraries are facing similar crises? Because if there are closures, temporary or permanent, many residents may be forced to use branches hours away from their homes, such as the previous proposal to close the Hana branch, which would have meant a three-plus hour drive the the closest branch. The proposal was voted down, but temporary closures for the system still loom. And there are many small towns across the islands which may face the same situation.

So I'm asking all of you to give Hawaiian pubic libraries a big aloha by donating money today, even if it's $3. Think about it: that's the same price as a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts from the ABC Stores and way cheaper than a jello shot from a Waikiki bar. And unlike the jello shot, you'll remember the donation long after your next Hawaiian vacation.

Shushing Alert Courtesy of New Times Broward-Palm Beach

The New Times Broward-Palm Beach gets massive eye-rolling from the LL for its "The Juice"
blog posting about librarians and layoffs. The snarkiness I don't mind, but did they have to use a beyond-tired stereotype pix of a frazzled-hair, shushing librarian to emphasize the point?

A New Superhero at ComicCon?

Spotted by Defamer at ComicCon:

clipped from gawker.com

Caption states she's a "real" librarian, but everyone knows a real librarian would tote back-up copies of the plush anime figure in the messenger bag, along with a fistful of freebie pens that will last for only one reference shift.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

When a librarian acts as crossing guard, people get upset.

When a library assistant tells patrons to keep it down, people get arrested.

When librarians plan a panel discussion on a potentially sensitive issue, people get upset. Real upset.

But when librarians are pressed into moving a library in the most inefficient way possible, they don't get upset. Or arrested:

Librarianship: A Prescient Profession

Over the past few days I've noticed a disturbing trend within our profession over the past year: the need to incorporate Michael Jackson tributes at professional functions. Here's the National Library of Australia's"Thriller" tribute, incorporating book carts:

Here's Santa Monica Public's entry at last year's ALA Book Cart Drill Team competition:

How did they know? Or was it coincidence, driven by the fact that in our day-to-day lives, we who work in libraries always succumb to the opportunity to waive our hands claw-like over book carts for massive props?

Can This Librarian Blame it on the Boogie?

Even librarians are unable to resist commemorating a pop culture icon. Well, French librarians, anyway:

But What Do We Do When There's No Pole Around?

In post-millennial Hollywood, librarians are one-half of the Madonna/whore equation:

But Can They Make it Work in the Stacks?

What's Tim Gunn doing with a bunch of teenagers at The New York Public Library? He didn't make headlines on TMZ, but Tim and NYPL did help six aspiring fashion designers hone their fierceness with tips and resources for all things fashion:

Unfortunate Library-Related Headline of the Year (so far): Note to prospective editors: before printing a headline, make sure to run it through your mental what's-wrong-with-this-headline? filter first.